Friday, March 12, 2010

One of Those Days...

Today was Friday. The day where people are supposed to wake up a little more peppy, have a little bit more positivity, have a little more motivation, because well it's Friday. And after the day is over, the weekend!

Today I could care less that it's Friday.

I came home from work, and I was in my pajamas and in bed before it was even seven. On a Friday! Because it was one of those days. I don't intend on going into every detail because I would probably sound like a whiny pathetic brat. But let me just tell you the weather was a true expression of my heart all day, not one spot of sunlight ever broke through the constant down pour. (I'm smirking at myself now when I read that back, it's quite good I think, but SO true) Anyway it is now 9:30pm on Friday night and since I have been home I have only accomplished that of an old hermit woman with five cats.
After getting into my pajamas and laying under my covers for a bit I decided that I wasn't going to be able to get the raging headache to go away on it's own so I took some medicine. Taking the medicine I hoped also would help prevent my horrendous cramps from returning. Let me just clarify here, when I say horrendous I'm not exaggeration. My cramps are bad, as in sometimes I am out for the day bad, as in the ONLY thing that gives me even the slightest relief is submerging my body into a tub full of the hottest water my skin can handle after taking the prescription strength ibuprofen the doctor gave me....bad. And that's only a glimpse of what I go through every month, catch my drift?

But I digress...



After taking the medicine my husband attempted to comfort and cuddle me for a bit but all I cared about was that he was telling me in the process he was going to hang out with a friend! He was telling me he was leaving me! Alone! In agony after a wretched day! On FRIDAY!
Let's just keep it short and say I was probably over reacting and the conversation probably didn't go well.
After he left to enjoy some much deserved guy time, I proceeded to have a good cry. My mother called me in the middle of this, I should not have answered. Boy did she get an earful and for that I am still embarrassed. My mother, being as patient as one could have probably been with me at that moment gave me some advice. Emotional and physical advice. She has witnessed every visit Aunt Flo gave me from the time I was eleven until I moved away last year so she knows exactly what I go through, and knows it's no freakin' joke. My mom told me to take a hot shower, let it run over my face and just try and relax. It was nice to have my mom take care of me again, even if it was just instruction on something I was already planning on doing. I finished my cry in the shower, I think after the day I had that's what I really needed. To get it all out of my system.
After drying off and getting into some fresh p.j's I set up my new lovely laptop next to my bed, made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and popped in my netflix. Julie & Julia.

What a delightful movie! Half of it about a blogger at that! I love that it was true stories all around. It helped my mood a bit. But now it's over and I'm still her alone in my 'jammies on a Friday night. The neighbors have a freaking baby and they are partying it up more than me! Too much bass people seriously, consider your ear drums, and mine for that matter.

So here I am, writing this blog post that has absolutely no point really, outside of entertaining me, and it's filled with ridiculous paragraphs...interesting. I'm considering popping in Sixteen Candles. Am I in the mood for teen angst via Molly Wringwald? We shall see. Maybe I will browse the instant watch section of my netflix. Whatever it is I decide, I hope your Friday night is no worse than mine whoever you are. Hopefully even better.

Monday, March 8, 2010

A table, a tattoo, and some thoughts.

I walk into the conference room to clean the glass topped table that had just been used. Finger prints and oil smudges from skin are all over it. I come with Windex and paper towels to make it spotless once more. My mind is else wear.

In my head I continue the stream of self-loathing thoughts that have been filling it all day.
"Gosh I love the new blemishes on my face, so disgusting", as I lean over the table to wipe it down I feel my stomach roll, "I'm such a cow", as I am still leaning over the table I see my face reflected in the glass, "Oh awesome, my hair is disgusting and frizzy today". I straighten back up to spray a different area of the table, I roll up the sleeves to my sweater. As I do this I glance at my right arm, my fresh tattoo completely exposed reads "Hallelujah". I hear in my head the meaning "To Praise God," and then "are you praising God right now?" Whoa, that's a hit to the heart. Am I? Are these cruel hurtful thoughts I have about myself, a creation of God himself, thoughts of praise? Surely not. Definitely not. I am ashamed. I am apologetic.

A memory of earlier today comes flooding back.
I was sitting at my desk and a lady in my office who I have taken pictures for was telling one of her employees about me. This employee needs her photo taken and so the lady says, "Courtney can take a few new ones for you, she takes pretty good pictures". Ouch.
She didn't say my pictures were bad or awful, but it was the sort of statement that makes an artist feel only average. She probably didn't mean it in a way to be rude or hurtful, in fact I know this woman to be someone who is very no nonsense and very straight forward. It's just who she is. But to her what are just pictures of her employees, are to me, my hard work and more importantly my passion.

How must my Father feel then, when I His creation, that He formed and designed and labored over, think and say mean degrading things about myself? Probably not so good. The truth is I am insulting His hard work, which is definitely NOT praising my King. If for no other reason, I am lovely because He created me. His hard work and love is why I exsist.

As these things sink from my mind down to my heart I finish cleaning the table. I turn out the light and go to put the cleaning supplies away in the cabinet of the bathroom. While I am there I look in the mirror I think "I feel better". Nothing hateful or abusive. My thoughts become filled with why I wanted my tattoo as I head back to my desk.
I wanted Hallelujah on my arm for many reasons. I think it's a beautiful word, it just sounds musical. It is used in some of my favorite songs. But the meaning itself is even more beautiful. "To Praise God" Just by proclaiming that, you can praise God. I love that. And so I wanted it to be on my arm as a symbol and a reminder that my desire is for my life "to praise God".
I blot my nose with my compact puff, just to get some of the shine to go away, while I mull over the lesson I had just begun learning.

A woman who I don't know, who works with a company in my office is leaving as I do this.

"Oh stop that," she says, "you don't need that at all, you're beautiful"

As I thank her for the compliment I almost cry.

Thanks for that Jesus.

Monday Monday

It's Monday. The weekend came and went in the blink of an eye. It's Monday.
I'm at work so this feels naughty. But I really have nothing else to do, except sit at my desk and be available. Be available and ready for whoever may come through the door or whoever may call on the phone. But until then I must blog, or I will fall asleep.


Today I'm going to tell you some things I've observed while living in Florida.
Being a California girl through and through, living here in Florida this past year has been quite an adventure.

  • Here in Florida it is completely flat. No mountains, not even really big hills. I know that most people are aware of the fact that it's flat here, but you don't realize just how weird it is until you are living here. Especially coming from a mountainous place like California.

  • Here in Florida it is not the law for motorcyclists to wear helmets. I regularly see guys cruisin' down the highways on their bikes, hair flowing free in the wind, boy is it freaky! I don't understand why it isn't a law in every state for people riding motorcycles to wear helmets. But what I don't understand even more, is why people don't WANT to wear one. I mean seriously?! Is it worth the risk??

  • Here in Florida you can ride around in the bed of a pick-up truck. Up until this past weekend I had only ever seen people in the backs of trucks on regular roads. This weekend however, I saw people riding in a truck bed on the highway. Ridiculous I say.

  • Here in Florida if it is below 70 degrees the natives freak out. So this winter has been a bit chaotic being that they have been having record lows with temperatures getting down to the mid to low thirties at some points. I think it is the only place where a girl from San Diego can look tough when it comes to winter weather.

  • Here in Florida I have only seen two doves the whole year and two months I've lived here.

  • Here in Florida, Tampa is the lightning capital of the US. The summer of 2009 was quite an experience for me. On the news they keep track of how many strikes of lightning happen within periods of time during particularly big storms. I remember one day there was over 1,200 lightning strikes in our county within an hour. Crazy.

  • Here in Florida the students have to take the FCATS several different times throughout their school careers. It's three days of testing and they don't get the results until December. And if they don't pass the test, THEY FAIL their grade! How absurd is that? What about the kids who just don't test well but have amazing grades? A lady who works in my office was telling me that last year a few high school students who had great grade point averages and who had scholarships waiting for them failed the FCATS and got held back! All I have to say is I'm glad my kids won't be going to school in Florida. The school system here I've heard on numerous occasions is just plain ole' shitty.

  • Here in Florida there is a place called Ocala. It is the horse capital of the US. Apparently they breed 'em good.

The truth is there are many more observations and facts I've gathered since living here but I can't recall them all at once. So as they come into my mind I intend to put them on this blog. It is an interesting place to say the least. And it has been a fun adventure so far, I am intrigued to see what this coming year will show me.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

blankness

Today I want to write.
I don't know where to start. I have ideas for posts, I have aspirations for my blog. I want to grow and become a better blogger. I love to write. Writing was actually my first love. Before dancing, before photography, before anything else, as a little girl I was a writer. I have a box full of poetry from my adolescent days up to my teenage years. I have pages and pages of fictional stories that I wrote just for fun, not because I had an assignment. For quite a long time I remember wanting to be an author. I loved writing, I love writing.
But I have a special relationship with writing. When I neglect writing, when I put writing off to do other things first, it doesn't come back to me very willingly. It seems to have become a bit bitter that I didn't pay attention to it sooner, writing wants me to work for it. But if I give writing my time and attention on a regular basis it comes naturally and easily, we are like old friends who have easy conversation full of meaning. Even now as I am typing this, I am deleting and re-writing sentences over and over and over.

I need to take the time to write more, because this is just too challenging. I'm annoyed.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Because It's Been An Absurdly long time...

It is MARCH of 2010.

I have not posted in so long because I got a full time job in November. And then the holidays came and we were in San Diego with family for that.
Also having a full time job meant that I got home around or after my husband and because we only had the one computer I didn't seem to have time because he wanted to use the computer too.
Then I forgot my PASSWORD for my blogger account.

Well now, not only do I know my password, but I have my own LAPTOP. Also I am quite settled in at my new job and might even be able to post from there every now and then.
I'm not going to say I'm sorry, because these things happen and plus I doubt anyone even noticed I was being so neglectful of my blog.
But I will say, I am better equipped and I am going to try this again.

STAY TUNED