crash

When my mind is all muddled up with thoughts and confusion, there is nothing more comforting than having words whispered into my heart that remind me of what I know. What is true. What I love. I need that right now.

Everyday that passes gets me closer to one but takes me farther from another. I'm so tired of waiting for something, but I'll probably always be waiting.

Someone once told me my soul is a jukebox and my heart is the music. I still hold that close to my heart as one of the most wonderful things someone has ever said about me. It's an incredible feeling hearing someone describe you perfectly.

I haven't felt content in over seven months.
I don't even think I remember what it feels like to be content.

Sinking

There are times in life when you feel like you have a problem that you can trust no one with. You fear the judgement, you fear how someone might think differently of you, you fear that you could even lose friends. Most of these fears feed on your silence. A struggle that is common or even totally normal, will begin to seem much worse than it is. Shame will grow in this silence too. Shame tries to take your light, but you know your light is your gift and you need it to keep going. So you start fighting for your light, but shining becomes exhausting because you are in this constant battle. So when you have the strength you find yourself sending out pleadings to God. Pathetic little whispers for help, for guidance, for anything really. Just something to give you a break. Then a person starts coming to mind, every time you are struggling. And so you start to think maybe you should tell them, for whatever reason, maybe they would understand. Then one night after an exceptionally long battle within yourself, fighting to keep shining, you just go for it. Send out a quick S.O.S, just getting straight to the point. You take the leap and brace for the landing, hoping it's a soft one. Then as you wait for the response you find that you aren't sinking anymore, that the weight pulling you down has lessened just by putting it out there, just by saying I'm having a hard time and I need someone there has been a relief. So you are there still under everything that has been drowning you, but no longer sinking and there is a strange sense of peace there. Then the response comes and it is filled with grace and love and even a complete understanding. True understanding because the one you reached out to has been where you are. They truly know. So the weights just keep falling off, and you start swimming up, because there is encouragement in having a someone on your side, telling you that you can do this. Finally you break the surface and oh the relief of that first gasp of air that comes from having it all out there. All exposed. So now you are treading water which is still hard work and it will exhaust you too, but your head is above it all and you can breathe again. But even better still, you can speak again. And so begins the journey back to land, where that beautiful friend is waiting with open arms.

beautiful mess

Happiness comes too easily for me.
By this I don't mean that I never have lows, or that I'm never in a funk that I just can't seem to shake. Oh trust me I have shit days, and shit moods, and shit feelings too. What I mean is that it's not very hard for me to find happiness around me. I can find pleasure in simple things, I'm pretty low maintenance when it comes to being entertained. Give me someone to talk to, or even not talk just to sit with, that I enjoy and I am quite content. Spontaneous adventures thrill me, and I seem to have a knack for making simple things like a trip to the store an adventure. I'm not fickle when it comes to things that can make me happy. I truly take joy in tiny little gifts that only people looking for them will receive. Even then most people probably wouldn't even understand why something like gusts of breath-taking wind would make my heart race. But I love it.
The point of all this rambling? Mostly just to say that while it can be a nice character trait to possess, it can also be exhausting. You see I'm a "what-if'er" and I have a big imagination. So I get caught up quite easily in imaginings of possibilities of what if's and wondering "would I have been happy?". Problem is my reaction usually to these wanderings of the mind are "I probably could have". I realize that happiness isn't hard for me. Which leads to "Should I have done this or that? I could have been happy either way so how do I know it was the right choice?".
For this reason lately I find myself wishing I was harder to please. Then maybe it would be easier to dismiss possibilities or chances missed because I would be easier able to say "Oh no way, I would have been so unhappy". Even so as I type that out it sounds ridiculous.

It's really just a mess, a mess of too many beautiful possibilities.

My type of reckless...

I have a rebellious streak.
I realize people say this a lot. The same people who say this a lot also like to say "I know people say this a lot but I actually really do". So who am I? Really I could just be one of them. I know several people, including my Mother and the man I married who would tell you that I most definitely have one. After all I get it from my mother. But neither of them are here to confirm it. Honestly I don't really care if whoever reads this takes it seriously. I know I have a "problem". My rebellion though, it's usually just sort of weird. It's not the stereo-typical movie type rebellion. It's my own quirky form. I will oppose something just because people want me to agree for instance. Just because I find pleasure in even the smallest ways of going against the flow. There are a bunch of different ways I could explain it but it really doesn't matter and would probably just sound so bizarre. But the thing that I'm getting to, is it gets ridiculous. When I get restless, I get the desire to rebel. And let me tell you I am restless today. I'm annoying myself for goodness sake. So my desire to rebel is pretty strong. And the first and easiest thing I can think of is to dye my hair. There is a problem though...I'm sort of terrified to use a box dye on my hair. Salon you suggest? Well that would take more time than I'm patient enough to deal with right now. Oh and then there is the fact that I live in Japan now. JAPAN. Where people have straight smooth hair. Not super thick, crazy curly, rebellious hair. They won't know how to cut this, and my color. Oh lord I want to stay red. But with a language barrier, highly intimidating. Plus I've been researching, reading reviews, for the past several days. And it just isn't promising. Plus it's SO expensive. So I'm HIGHLY tempted to just run over to the store on my bike, pick a cute cheap box of color and go for it. I could do it tonight and potentially satisfy my desires to do something ANYTHING different. Or it could be a tragedy. I could be ruined.
Or I could just go dark....very dark.....

New Beginning

A few friends in the past month have asked and/or told me to start blogging again.
To be totally honest, now that things have finally started to settle down, I had been thinking about it already. But I guess the fact that people I know want me to do it was what gave me the final push to just do it.
So here it is, no explanations of where I've been, no attempts at writing a huge post to catch up on everything. Just a start over. I'll write from where I am right now, no trying to go over the gap of time where I wasn't writing. Because frankly, I would give up. So if you are willing to join me, I am willing to share. It's pretty exciting times around here lately. I moved to Japan! So there are lots of adventures to be had.

More to come! I'm off to get inspired.

We are who we were when...

Dear Friend,

This is what is has come to. I can't get a hold of you through text or phone call. You don't have a myspace or facebook (you refuse to "conform"). I don't have your address, and I can't find your email in my email account. So I am coming here, to the blogosphere. Because it's time, it's time for me to quit hoping.

You have been a wonderful friend. From the night that we met, almost six years ago now, we have been a great match. The first thing you ever said to me was "Nice shirt". It was my Emery t-shirt, you loved them too. I was in Wal-Mart with my youth group shopping for a fundraiser we were doing, and little did I know as we crossed paths on the fishing pole isle, you were a part of the youth group we were teaming up with. I had such a good time getting to know you and your friends. The second day of our fundraiser you approached me as I was putting my shoes on (my youth group had camped out in the auditorium of our church) and I realized we were wearing the same ones. "Nice shoes", I said. You laughed.
In the years to come we would be there for each other through so much, and our friendship lasted.

We lived in different cities, and went to different churches. You were in public high school while I was home-schooled and traveling the world, but it worked out anyway. There were times when we would go for a month or two without talking, but never more and never intentionally. Life just got hectic sometimes, but we still knew that the other was always there whenever we needed. I always knew that you cared. But now I doubt.

I've lost confidence in your friendship. I doubt that I still matter, or that you want me in your life. While it is hard to feel this way, it is harder not knowing for sure what is going on. We have never had a fight, heck we have never even had a disagreement. The last time I saw you was a visit home last summer, a YEAR ago, and I've talked to you once since then. Our time together last July was wonderful. We had a blast catching up, discussing music and God, eating Mexican food. It was perfect. Then you disappeared. No more responses to my text messages, never returning my phone calls. Even when I had amazing news to share, when I wanted to call and celebrate something, you never called back.

My heart broke a little every time there was silence, but I promised you once I would never give up on you. You thanked me more than once for that promise, telling me that's what you needed. You needed me to not give up on you......








So that's it, I don't know how to finish this letter. That's how hard this is. This blog post has been in my drafts for weeks. I keep coming back to it, attempting to add more, but not much else comes. What else can I say? I've put myself out there so many times already. I am not posting this with hopes my dear friend will see it, I know that they won't. I am posting it for me, in hopes that I can gain even just a bit of closure for myself. I really want to give up, but I can't. So I'm saying I am letting go. What happens or doesn't happen is not something I am going to try and play a role in anymore. No more effort. It just hurts too much. But if this beloved friend comes back to me, I will be here.

my little piece of heaven

It's been months since I have wrote anything. I find that quite unfortunate. My life has been full and busy though, so I will not apologize.

So for now I will just attempt to begin writing again with a dream of mine, it's a big one. It's probably unrealistic for my life. But I've had this dream for a long long time, and I feel like I just want to get it out there somehow. So I'm just going to let it flow, type it as it comes. So bear with me if you like. Or wait until the next post.



A house, large, but humble. It's yellow with white shutters and a deep red colored door. A wrap-around porch with chairs and swings covered in pillows and blankets for when there is a chill in the air. Big open windows with light,polka dot curtains flapping in the breeze. Inside the ceilings are vaulted making it open and spacious. It is welcoming. There is a fire place with a mantle covered in art, my photos, little one's drawings, trinkets and memories. The furniture is comfortable but practical. Lots of pillows on the couches too. Colorful rugs cover the wood floors. With one special rug by the screen door where the big dark lab lays to watch his world and guard his people. The kitchen is bright and cheery. Vibrant colors with a retro feel. Black and white checkered floor, lots of spacious cabinets and counterspace. Plenty of room for cooking parties. The dining room beckons you to come and feast with a table big enough for not just family but any spontaneous friends who may show up. There is always room here. This house is a place people know they can always come to.
There is photography everywhere, my photography. High quality prints framed beautifully. There is a room for each child, and a beautiful guestroom that makes people feel at home. The master bedroom is a sanctuary. The bed huge and lush. The bathroom has a claw-foot tub for long leisurely soaks. It's cozy here.

This house, that is filled with laughter and joy, where the doors
are always open, is surrounded by beautiful green land. If you scream at the top of your lungs the neighbors still can't hear you. There is a huge oak tree behind the house in the middle of a meadow of wildflowers and tall grass. The meadow is often filled with games of tag and hide and seek. It has the best light as the sun gets low at the end of the day. Many photos are taken here. The oak tree contains a treehouse, a special place for the kiddos. It was built by strong hands and a big heart. There is a little creek a mile or so away. Sometimes we walk there sometimes we ride horses, to have picnics by the water or to cool off during the hot summer days. It's beautiful.

This house we have will be one that the kids long for while they are away at college. It will be the home they bring their future spouses to, to meet the family. It will be the summer get-a-way for our grandbabies. This will be home.

My ranch, my dream, my little piece of heaven.