Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Wishful Thinking...

Sometimes I wish I had followed my childhood dreams...

then I realize I did to some extent.


Sometimes I wish I had clear skin (okay all the time)...

then I realize my face could be constantly and completely covered in zits, and it's not. so i am thankful.


Sometimes I wish I lived in a foreign country...

then i realize maybe someday I will, and I hold onto hope.


Sometimes I wish I had more confidence in my art...

then i realize i have more than i used to.


Sometimes I wish I was a better wife...

then i realize i am getting better at it everyday, it's a learning process.


Sometimes I wish I knew John Mayer...

then i realize that probably wouldn't be healthy for my marriage, and my marriage isn't worth it. but still i would be his muse for his music, and he for my photography. he would adore my red hair and ever changing eye color, he would write songs about them. i would remind him of what is real, and what is important in the world, that it's not all about fame and money, that he can be loved for who he is inside, i would understand the real him and and....whoa whoa whoa....see what i mean? TOTALLY unhealthy.


Sometimes I wish forgiveness was easy...

then i realize it probably wouldn't mean as much.


Sometimes I wish we lived back home in San Diego...

then i realize it's more exciting living somewhere new, and I like the home we have created here.


Sometimes I wish I could get a tan...

then i realize that wouldn't be very retro, and I like all things vintage. I'll keep my peaches and cream complexion, the rest of you people can enjoy premature wrinkles.


Sometimes I wish people would just call/text/stay connected/let me know they are alive...

then i realize that the best of the best still keep in touch, and i know i am loved.


Sometimes I wish that I had a baby...

then i realize we want to do so many things still that a baby would prevent us from doing, and that I would lose my figure, and my who-ha will never be the same after, and my boobs will be sucked dry.....babies will come soon enough.


Sometimes I wish we had a house...

then i realize we wouldn't have free cable anymore, or people to fix things, and we would have to pay for electric, AND water, AND garbage, and lots and lots more things. i am content.


Sometimes I wish I had the ability to go over to my parents house and visit on a regular basis and just be there to hang out, i wish i could be at taco night, and go to my brother's baseball games, i wish i could hug my dog and take him on a walk...

then i realize...i will always wish for that.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Make new friends, but keep the old?

Recently I have really been feeling the ache from loss of contact with a few different people in my life. It has been an adjustment, one that has been painful to make, to have people who were once so constant in my life become so absent. I know that things like this in life happen, that throughout life as we grow and change so do our friends and sometimes people move on. But there are some people I just never thought that would happen with. People who I still don't quite understand why it happened with. It makes me sad, it breaks my heart.

I have been told by different friends several different times, "It's their loss if they don't want to keep in touch with you" or "You still have so many people in your life." While these things are said out of love, it doesn't fill the empty spot that my missing friend left behind. My husband often remarks at my ability to easily "make friends". While it is natural for me to meet new people and not struggle with making conversation or getting to know them, it takes me a long time to actually build a relationship with someone. When I was young I had many experiences of "friends" turning against me, ignoring me, lashing out at me because of jealousy or insecurity. While I am able to look back now and understand what was causing that girl to so suddenly turn, I was baffled and confused at the time. It is because of these experiences that I am so careful and guarded with my hopes for friendships until someone is in my life for quite a while. Until the friendship is proven to be trustworthy, I never completely let someone into my heart. So when one of these friendships that I had so carefully put more and more of myself into just goes away, I just want to cry. Maybe this sounds childish to some, maybe it sounds naive, but really it's just how I feel. Believe me, people have come and gone from my life before. While it was never something I wanted, it wasn't always hurtful. These friends I am referring to are people who I pictured always being in my life.

I put friends into two groups. There are "seasonal" friends, the ones who may only be around for a little while but you learn from them and enjoy them while they are in your life, and then slowly they become less and less present. Then there are the "all-weather" friends. The ones who were built to last through all the seasons of life, from the harsh cold winters of life to the sunny and breezy springs. It's the loss of these "all-weather" friends that hurts me so.

I have so many questions. Mostly just, Why? Yes I got married, but I'm still the same me. Becoming a wife doesn't completely change my identity, it just adds something more to who I am. Yes I moved away, but I am closer to many people now than I was before I moved. So I am good at long distance, I know I am. My husband and I lasted through 9 months of long distance before we were married. I'm a great communicator. But I can only prove it if you respond to my texts and return my calls. I would rather have my questions of "Why?" answered with "I just don't care anymore", than have no answers at all. At least then I would get some closer...
The truth is, I'm nervous. I'm nervous about which all-weather friends I could lose the next time a big change happens in my life. We will be moving again next February, hopefully closer to our hometown but who knows? The Navy could send us anywhere. Will that just be too much for another dear friend? What about when I have a baby? Oh lordy, I know things really change when people become parents, but still! I want my wonderful friends in the lives of my babies. I want my kids to have many adopted "aunties" and "uncles". My best friends have made such a wonderful impact on my life and have supported me through so much, I want these incredible people to be apart of my family too.

All I know is that as long as you let me be apart of your life my dearest friends, I will be. I am doing my best from way over here, I love you all so much.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Another Installment of here in Florida...

Yes yes yes, it's been a month since my last post. I am slightly annoyed with myself for the neglect, but not too much. I figure no one has noticed much anyway.
This is *crosses fingers* hopefully the first of a few posts this week, I have several things rolling around in my head. I should definitely put them down.

So here we go with another post of Florida quirks.
  • Here in Florida...almost all the traffic lights hang over the intersection on cables. I almost don't notice it at all anymore, but for the first several months of living here it had an unnerving affect to see them sway in the wind over my car. I guess they figure when a hurricane comes it would be less damaging for just the lights to fall instead of lights and big steel poles.
  • Here in Florida...you may be driving and OH NO! EEK! Is that..um..roadkill...oh nope it's just a big wad of Spanish moss.
  • Speaking of roadkill...Here in Florida there are armadillos! I've seen three. Dead. On the side of the road.
  • Here in Florida...there are palm tree dwelling squirrels. It is just bizarre. First of all the amount of squirrels just roaming around the city is strange and disturbing to me. Then throw seeing them hanging out in PALM TREES. It's just not natural. Squirrels belong in parks, climbing pine trees or oak trees, ya know? Not freaking tropical trees.
  • Here in Florida...I have seen "I <3 Manatees" bumper stickers.Really now people? Manatees? They do nothing but float and eat, they are too dumb to even stay clear of boat propellers.>
  • Here in Florida...Carl's Jr. is called Hardee's, Rally's is called Checker's, and Souplantation is called Sweet Tomatoes.
  • Here in Florida...people think there is "real" Mexican food. I'm really sorry but beef Enchiladas aren't supposed to have GROUND BEEF in them, salsa is NOT tomato sauce with a few seasonings, and and annnnnd, you just have crap for Mexican food. for real. How can you be "authentic" but look at me like I'm crazy when I inquire about flautas? Or even something more basic, like rolled tacos?! C'mon people!
  • and finally, Here in Florida...there are amazing breath taking sunsets.